Scared to death

(I started writing this Sunday night)
I start lupron tomorrow which signals the beginning of yet another cycle, another six weeks of shots, pills, anxiety and excitement, but this time is different usually at this point I'm excited to do that first shot and the possabilities it brings, tonight I'm not excited. I am worried we made the wrong decision to do this now, I am petrified of losing our final snowbaby, scared it won't survive the thaw or it will and won't take or it will take and we will lose another baby.  I'm a little bit of a mess right now.

(Finished Tuesday night)
Now that I'm two days in I don't feel so sad but I'm still not excited, although occasionally I do allow myself to think how great it would be if this cycle works.

I'm trying hard to focus on the positive while I will be devestated again if it doesn't work I know we have a good plan going forward, we will work with Dr KK and hopefully get some great embryos which we will test this time with cgh testing to ensure they are chromosonally normal.

So far the metmorfin is not causing me any problems, I just upped my does today to 1000mg, I have less of an appitite once I start eating but that's not a bad thing.

I will continue on lupron until five days before transfer but on Saturday I will take my final bcp and drop my dose to 5mg, this part of an FET always feels so slow to me like nothing is happening, once I start buliding my lining all of that changes.

I wish I could feel giddy like I used to but I am worn from so many failed cycles, its hard to feel excitement for something which has brought so much dissapointment and that makes me sad, there are so many amazing things that could happen if the cycle worked, so many dreams come true and all of that rides on these next few weeks.

I am starting my circle and bloom medtation again tonight, I used them a lot in our Oct cycle and it really helped me, that was also our most successful cycle. I'm going to try to get my zen on, which is hard for someone as hyper as me.