It's been a while

The last time I posted was the day before our transfer, remember my dream?  Well it came true, I am 2 days away from my due date for a little boy.  It took a very long time to be comfortable and excited for this pregnancy, I was so scared it would end but we have made it to the end.  I'm ready to hold him and to watch the hubby hold him.
It's a strange feeling, I will be a mam but infertility will always be a part of me, some pregnancy announcements still make my stomach lurch, I will always be more aware that you don't know peoples story and one day I will do it all again in the hope of giving this little boy a sibling.

Fifth time lucky?

Tomorrow we will hopefully transfer our final embryo from our first IVF , we just need it to survive the thaw first, I'm excited and nervous. Please please let this be the one!

Today is a hard day

Today would have been my due date.  Back in October I was so excited for today, it was a date we had dreamed of hearing for years, we had the whole month of October to be excited and talk about the future but in November that ended, when we found out he had stopped growing, we later found out he had trisomy six so he would never have survived.

To my little guy,
I still think about you every day, you may not have been with me for long but you made me a mammy, you gave me my dream for being pregnant.  I wish you could have stuck around so we could hold you in our arms and tell you how much we love you.  Today should have been such a special day but instead I am left just imagining what you would have been like, who you would have looked like more and if we ever managed to decide on a boy's name! We will love you forever.
xxx

Fathers Day

I have to say I'm a lucky girl and have the best hubby in the world, you may think you do but you don't because I do! Which also means he would be the most amazing dad, if we have a daughter I know she would be daddys girl and I could just see him teaching a son how to be a great man just like him. He is one of the most loving people I know so this brings me lots of guilt, for the most part I'm pretty certain its my body that is stopping him from being a dad, stopping him fulfilling what I know would be his most amazing role,  more than anything I want to give this to him, I think I actually want to make him a daddy more than I want to make myself a mammy.  Father's day is just a reminder that I am failing to do this, I know he doent blame me and he knows how hard we ate both trying but lots of it is out of our hands, I can take my meds and try to be healthy but no matter how hard I will it to work, or if it works to stick around I can't, if I could we would have lots of babies by now.
I'm hoping this is his final fathers day without being called daddy and that this cycle will work and next year will be a huge celebration.

Update
Well there really isn't too much to update yet but tomorrow I will go for my intralipid infusion in the morning then accupuncture in the afternoon, and on Thursday I have my lining check, as long as that goes well we will transfer the following Tuesday, its getting close and I'm getting excited.

A Dream

On Friday night I had a dream that my nana came to me to tell me this FET would bring us a little boy, I didn't feel like I was completely sleeping when this happened I was more in and out of sleep.  My Nana died 12 years ago and the hubby never met her, I will occasionally have dreams that I am at her and my Granddad's house and she is there but this was different, it's not like she was in my dream, she had actually came to me to tell me something.   I hope she is right, I have a great sense of calm since I woke on Saturday and any negative feelings about this cycle have gone.
This is gong to be the one, that little guy on ice is the one which will come home with us.



The side effects don't seem as bad now as they did a few days ago, once I get over the first couple of days of terbutaline I start to get used to it again, I mean the shaking is annoying but it's not uncontrollable all of the time like it was the first time.  AF seems like it is finally letting up which is good, because I need that lining to grow.

I wish I could roll time forward to get to transfer, it feels like everything is going so slowly and all I want is to get this frosty inside of me where it belongs.

Ready to go but now I'm worried

I had my basline this morning and everything looks clear, my lining is nice and thin, so now we start to build a fresh one for transfer.  The thing that has me worried is that my e2 came back at 80 and the normally want it under 70 to start the cycle.  Dr D said its ok, because my lining looked good so I'm going to go with it, from tonight we actually want it to start rising anyway so I'm trying not to.worry about it, but its hard.  I want everything to be perfect for this embryo, all of my bloodwork, my lining I want an environment that will be loving and accepting so if anything seems even slightly off it scares me.

I think I had blocked out how bad the terbutaline is and how horrible it makes me feel, I'm so out of it and have walked around like a zombie all day and then I am shaking like crazy. Its going to be a long two weeks, but it'll be worth it.

Hope is peaking through

AF arrived today and with it brought hope, I feel it fighting its way through the fear.  It hit me that this little embryo deserves me to believe in it just the way I did the other four, for my body to welcome it and love it. This embryo could very well be our take home baby, I already know what my edd would be, I already know the place we would announce to the hubby's family and how/when we would plan a trip home to surprise my grandma, yes I have plans for this little one so as of Thursday its time for me to start getting my body ready to make the perfect home for nine months.

I have already started my mediation on a night time, it really helps me focus my mind. Yesterday I went to accupuncture again, he just done some de-stress on me since we couldnt build my lining until I had shread this one.

Three weeks today and I will be pupo!